What My Body Knew

As I walked out, I felt like I had pieces of myself ripped away - like a ‘tear off’ section of a form - I was leaving but not with all of me. But as I walked, I realised that this was not actually the case.

I am still here because I was never on show. The ‘me’ that was there was just the one that I gave each person - changing my body language, shifting the tone of my voice, concentrating on asking a helpful question.

But it still hurts. My body feels the cost of that still.

And yet, this is all I know. This is a well-oiled and well-practised form of being in the world that I learnt potentially before I could recognise what I was doing. The warning signal that this was not something that a human should do was when my body warned me. It has happened a number of times in my life and I never understood why but the last time my body warned me, I listened and boy was I surprised.

My body could no longer carry on with my brain not knowing what was going on. My brain was merrily unaware of the performance that it was subconsciously directing and the parts of the body that were forced into this acting for nearly 4 decades. It was as if a strike was happening in the very cells of my body so that my brain would listen. I was in physical pain and felt like I was lost.

But I stopped and listened. It didn’t all make sense when I did, but curiosity became my friend. I didn’t need to understand. I just needed to be aware.

I found that I had hidden myself at the cost of others feeling comfortable or for me to feel safe. What a strange thing to find out about yourself - that you had been disappearing and nobody had noticed. Including you.

I felt alone when I realised I was alone in this. This wasn’t a communal experience, I didn’t actually belong because the ‘me’ that is out in the world wasn’t even the real me.

Maybe you recognise something in this. Maybe you don’t. But I suspect more people do than would ever say so out loud.

And who is the real me? I am still getting to know her. She has always been there and survival has been her main goal. So now I am teaching her that she is safe, I see her now and she does not need to hide herself.

The world wants to see her.

The world needs to see her.