Challenge Comes at a Cost - But Who Ends Up Paying?

When you feel unsafe, you want to challenge the environment you are in, but to do that you need to feel safe enough to do it.

Let me clarify what I mean by challenge. You may have already imagined someone confronting you or you needing to have an altercation with someone, but what I mean by challenge is linked most closely with curiosity. It is when you have a question, a concern or insight about the place you work or worship and you want to share it.

I have been in work spaces where nothing is really said in terms of outcome or performance, except for a vague ‘good job’ and no other feedback is given - positive or negative. I felt on edge all the time and unsafe because I didn’t know what was expected. The uncertainty caused me to show up, but only partly. Either I copied the behaviour around me, that seemed like an acceptable way of being in the space or I gave some of me but never my creativity or my real passion.

Work for me in the last couple of decades has mainly been in churches or Christian charities and these add a whole other element to this division that I wanted to share today.

Because churches have the spiritual authority that comes with preaching the Gospel, Communion, leading in worship, there is a difficulty for people walking into a church or seeing something that they don’t think is right, to challenge. The church culture can create a real and felt power dynamic between those who are on staff and those in the congregation. This dynamic can mean that leaders are so far away and higher than those on the seats coming every week - a hierarchy spiritually and relationally.

When I have felt unable to challenge, I wonder what is wrong with me. The place that I care about and have invested in, that used to feel safe and welcoming, now feels unsafe and intimidating.

You can stay, feel unsafe and never challenge. You can adapt, put up walls to feel safe and never challenge. You could feel unsafe and talk with others you trust about the difficulties you face. Or you can leave - having challenged or having said nothing at all.

I tried to stay and blame myself, I tried to adapt at the cost of myself and then I left having challenged and still feeling pretty unsafe in a church space.

If you are staying and blaming yourself, please stop arguing with yourself. Whether someone validates it or not, your body or your mind are telling you something and you need to listen. You can create a safety in you and God can be there with you too.

If you are staying and adapting, please stop changing yourself. God has made you the way you are, noticing what you notice and you too need to listen. The body of Christ needs all its parts, however insignificant you feel. If you don’t feel safe to be you, I am sorry and it may be worth exploring in which spaces you feel safe.

If you have challenged and left, or not challenged and are thinking of leaving, there is a sadness that will come - I am sorry for that. You will feel courageous and then the grief will hit you - what you left, the relationships that won’t exist anymore, the community you will no longer be a part of. God will be there with you too - even if you can’t be in ‘his house’, he makes his home in you.

Creating safe spaces in church isn’t just good practice - it is the Gospel.

If you want help making that a reality in your context, contact Canary & Cat

It Is Either Her Chair or It is Mine

I felt it recently. That feeling where I felt like I needed to protect and fight for my space. I saw another Black woman succeed and I felt the fear - that because she had a space in that area and a platform, it meant that I couldn’t do what I felt called to do. I noticed it, fortunately, but it doesn’t always happen. I caught it because in one moment I was proud of my sister and then immediately I felt like I needed to fight. It was odd and felt very unnatural - almost conditioned, because it happened without thought.

I wonder when that came into play in my subconscious? I was always one of only a few Black people in places - my primary school, my secondary school, my youth church. I always felt like an exception, fortunate to be in whatever space I found myself because I was the only one. Perhaps it was the result of living outside a city in England - whatever it was, I was not ‘the norm’. And yet as a child I believed I could do anything. When I met other Black people, they felt like people who would understand and who I could relate to - people who looked like me. I wanted connection, not competition.

The feeling of competition came when I was older, when I started working for church. Perhaps it was because conversations around getting Black people to come to church became prevalent - it was when I first experienced tokenism. That scarcity mindset wasn’t one I was born with, but the reality was and is today, that there are limited spaces where Black people can be. Spaces where tokenism is real and only one Black person is required, not celebrated, just required.

It felt like I had to fight for my role. The Black woman near to me seemed like a person to be threatened by, not someone to learn from and encourage. But when the fight kicked in, I was confused because I didn’t realise who I was fighting. It certainly wasn’t the other Black woman, there was no threat from her, she was nothing but kind.

If I was to try and describe it, I would explain it like being in a playground - secondary school - if you can remember! You know when it is happening, when two people start to square up to one another. The atmosphere changes, it feels like a hurricane moving around you - the environment begins to feel unsafe. Your eyes start to search around, noticing the people around, quickly assessing the situation. Your body starts moving a little, trying to work out where the best place to stand is. That is what it feels like… the fear, the comparison, the assessment and then survival instincts kick in.

That is when the other person feels like a threat - fists clenched, turning inward and closing the door to another. What would it look like to open those doors and have open hands instead?

I cannot give something out of my hand when I need it to stay where I am. I can’t give away what may not come back around to me. But whether there is something coming back to me or not, is that the way I want to live? If the dream is not yet matching the reality, then the only way to make it that way is by living it out. If I can live with an open hand, reaching out to those other Black women around me, I am showing what it means to live as if there is no scarcity.

What does this look like in reality? It looks like encouraging sisters in their dreams, their projects and their activities. It looks like practically opening doors when and where I can so that others can have access.

I have experienced this more than I have done it for others and I am ashamed of that. I have been the recipient of genuine care and love from another who has opened doors for me, encouraged me and helped me to believe in a reality that is prophetic and not necessarily real today, but one that I want to fight for. A place and time where all are given opportunity, support and encouragement.

I cannot close my eyes and wish for a different future but I can acknowledge the systems I live in and choose to live differently - I can choose to show hope to those around me who need it. And I feel the pain, I do not ignore the reality that doors are closed to certain people and wide open to others. I cry, I live with an open hand and I don’t armour up but I protect my heart and I give hope to others.

The system exists, but it doesn’t need to be my story.

Now It Is Your Turn

One thing you need to know about me is that I love seeing people working things out. I love it when I can see their face trying to analyse a situation and it is even better if I can see the end result.

That is why I love this video of the drummer Chad Smith (from Red Hot Chili Peppers) spontaneously producing a drumming masterclass! The premise is that they remove the drummer from a track and they have to create the beat underneath. And the result? It is incredible, it is even more complex than the original drum beat.

Watch it here. I could watch it on repeat!

But the thing that I love about it is that Chad had the opportunity to create from scratch - he did not know the song and he did not know what the expected rhythm was. Instead he listened to the music, felt something and went with it.

Chad was given the gift of a blank canvas and most importantly, permission. He was encouraged to be him in that space and bring what only he could bring. Yet when we walk into spaces where there is neither a blank canvas nor permission given, it can feel like we are walking along a tightrope - balancing between the expectations on us and the control that is placed on what we can do.

That is the point that I want to share with you today.

You bring something to a space that no-one else does and yet, so often, we compare and we try and be another version of ourselves. But all that is based on what we do when we enter a space, a job or a friendship group - we assess the situation and we compare ourselves to what is there and what happened before.

Why is it that we do that? Why do we assume that people don’t want us and what we bring?!

Perhaps it is in the environment. If you are a part of a team or an organisation, be aware of what the people around you are like. Look around and be curious about what you see - are all the people starting to dress the same? Are they all agreeing and nodding in meetings? Are people using the same phrases? If that is the case, what is happening is people are assimilating, whether consciously or not, the culture is communicating that being similar is best.

This can happen without any effort at all and yet it can speak volumes.

But what it creates is lack of creativity, lack of passion and lack of difference. Beige, beige, beige. Mediocre assimilation.

And what is the solution?! It is being able to notice and celebrate what makes people different. This isn’t something that is cheesy or quaint but it holds real life. It feels like life because the feeling when you are seen is like you are no longer holding your breath. You can literally, and often physically, breathe. You may be familiar with this often referred to as psychological safety.

Noticing and celebrating people around you is key. Celebration that is genuine is specific. It names what you have actually seen in that person. It is personal and it brings out who that person is rather than what they have done. Whilst it can and should be public so that others can see what is valued, it cannot be for the benefit of the person giving the celebration. The moment it becomes about the giver, it loses its gift. Genuine celebration is for the one being seen.

If this does not come natural to you, I would encourage you to consider what it is about this difference that threatens you or makes you fearful. It is usual that we are uneasy about others that think differently to us because they are just that, different. We forget that whilst we are different to each other, we are more similar than we know.

When celebration is genuine, it enables a person to see that who they are is what is important in that space, which frees them to show up fully and make decisions that are uniquely theirs.

So what would you do at work or with those you love, if you knew you had no-one to live up to or no-one’s shoes to fill? What difference would it make to how you acted or what you brought to spaces if you knew that you could just be you?

Perhaps you would realise that the rhythm that you bring is intricate, it is unique and it creates a song - an environment - that would not be that way if you were not there.

That feeling when there is full permission can be felt in our bodies. It can feel like an excitement in your stomach - like a hive of bees - the buzz if you like! I can see it visually like lighting a match, the spark that could start something big and powerful.

But it isn’t just for you. When you give people permission and a blank canvas, the spark starts in them and what you create in your business, charity, church or family is a firework display. Nothing small and subtle about that! Fireworks of creativity, beauty and excitement.

So go on… now it is your turn!

To Fight or Not To Fight

Sometimes I wonder whether I should keep fighting. Is it all really worth it? Am I naive to think that someone like me can make a change?

I don’t have a high-paid job. I don’t have any social equity. I am a Black woman - research shows that this combination means that I will be less likely to be heard. Being Black and female means that even if I do continue to fight, I will have to fight a whole bunch just to get in a room where white males sit and make decisions. I am exhausted just thinking about it.

The constant need to be alert, to look around and to predict the next need.

But the other option is that I sit back and do nothing. To see what I see and not do anything. That is not an option for me.

It isn’t that I am brave or strong. It is that there is no other option. It is the way I was made, I believe the way that God made me. A gift that makes me who I am, not for my benefit but for others.

I see power being held onto by those who can only see the view ahead of them. The power they hold helps them in their context and gives them the illusion of position and esteem. The structures around them support this and keeps them there.

If you are in a room with others and you can speak without fear, you can hold court without being challenged and you can persuade others to agree with you - you are powerful. With that power comes the unconscious ability to quieten those without it. The ability to crush spirits without even knowing you are doing it.

I have been in meetings where the picture goes something like this. There are people gathered to talk about one thing - 30 minutes has been allocated because the person leading the meeting is ‘a very busy person’. That one person - let’s be more specific - that one man arrives slightly late, then starts talking about his vision and his plan for 15 minutes. Half the time has gone. Then he asks if anyone has questions - the fastest one out of the gate wins the chance to speak. Usually an ally to that person , most likely another white male. They speak similarly to the man in charge and flatter, affirm and confidently state a path forward. The time together is finished and the decision has been made.

Because when power is held onto, those without it are quietened and their spirits are crushed. Their voices become unable to speak or shape the culture they exist within.

If you are a person who feels crushed, someone who feels like they are silenced or someone who feels like they have no personal agency, you matter. Even if your voice is not heard, we still need to hear what you have to say. Even if you cannot affect change where you are, God is with you and he fights for justice. Even when you think you are alone, you are not. You are surrounded by unseen women and men who are fighting where they are - they are making progress because truth is of God and truth brings life, whether we see it or not.

But if you are that man in the room — consider this instead. What if you arrived, apologised for being late, and said “I have a vision but I want to know what you think. I’ll share briefly and then I want to hear from each of you. You can share or pass, no pressure. If you’d rather process first, send me an email this week”. Then what if you actually listened. Every look towards a person in that room, though a small action, allows them to be seen, heard and acknowledged. The shift of focus indicates a sharing of power. You are giving up control of the situation.

This isn’t just a nice thing to do. You have to actually care about the opinions of others and take them into consideration. This is not a one-man show. Or at least it shouldn’t be.

You have the choice - and it is a choice - to create a different possibility. It won’t happen by accident but it requires a change. It will cost you your control, but that in itself is a tiring thing to hold onto right? But the life you will bring, the fullness of life to another, that is definitely worth fighting for.

Fighting for me looks like writing, typing the words that can help. It looks like being in places that I have access to and using my voice and my face to make space for others.

Fighting looks like grieving for a world that currently exists and reminding others of what is possible.

Fighting is asking God to continue to give me prophetic imagination, to see what he sees and to play my part with him. It isn’t just me fighting alone. God cares about this.

Canary & Cat exists for this work. If you are in a position to shape culture in a church or organisation, get in touch to find out how we can help. [canaryandcat.com]

If you are a human who wants help to keep fighting, write me a message. I would love to hear from you!

Be curious about the fire

Have you ever felt that feeling of a fire in your belly? I think it is universal and yet, our instinct is to put it out.

It is that feeling you get in your gut when you watch something, hear something or read something that is just wrong. It is an immediate reaction and the heat can spread across your whole body and your immediate reaction is ‘this is wrong’.

Without thinking, I think our reaction, our core response, is that we know right from wrong.

Then something happens. It is as if someone turns the hose on and douses the fire. Now continue to be intrigued with me… What is that for you?

For me, it is a result of me working out who I would need to challenge and then feeling intimidated. For you, it could be the feeling of ‘only being you’ or ‘I am just one person’ or it could be that you have not seen anyone challenge and ‘win’.

I have been there and I know that feeling when the fire is put out. I am not speaking from a position of strength, I can assure you that I have put out more fires than I have fuelled in my soul, but I want to listen to that voice more.

But staying quiet costs you - it may feel like it doesn’t but it creates a belief in you, that what is happening is ‘not as bad’ or ‘it will never change’.

There may be a cost to you keeping the fire or even fuelling it but it is important to acknowledge that the fire is there. The fire is there because something is important to you and it is being challenged.

Fire is often understood as only one thing - dangerous. Especially when it comes to justice or the situations I am talking about. But that is only one aspect of it. Fire is dangerous when it is not managed, when it is not watched or the environment is unsafe.

And yet…

Fire brings warmth to cold places.

Fire provides light in the darkness.

Fire cooks and gives things amazing flavour.

Fire can create.

Fire is beautiful.

Do not quench the fire in you because you consider it to be dangerous. Instead, think how you can best manage it and what quality it is bringing to you or the situation you find yourself in.

Be curious about the fire, not afraid of it. It doesn’t mean you have to act on everything necessarily, but it will allow you to start noticing. Things don’t have to be the same as they are if people are getting hurt. You can make a difference to whoever you interact with and you can impact others.

Do not believe the lie that your voice doesn’t matter. Do not collude with the voices in your mind or around you that whisper to you that you cannot make a difference.

For some, that voice is God and to others it is that gut feeling. Either way, take the risk and trust it.

You can be the start of something.

You can be the one to put an end to something unjust.

You can be the person who keeps the fire going.