Clear is kind

In my head, I would assume that someone telling me something nice or trying to reassure me of something was a really kind thing to do - giving the right answer. But I experienced something the other week that made me realise that is not the case. Someone gave me the 'right answer' to a question I asked them but I knew it was not the true one and it felt horrible, it felt like they didn't care. What I experienced was someone being challenged, being afraid, perhaps even embarrassed, then hiding.

The feeling I felt surprised me - it was as if my brain was telling me I should be happy with the answer but my body was telling me that it was not. I felt on edge and sad. In that moment, I felt like we had been disconnected. Perhaps I should have responded differently, encouraged honesty but the person did not want to go there and so we didn't go there, and as a result, our friendship also stayed where it was. I wanted his true answer because I wanted to know him better but he didn't want me to see.

This is something that we all do - and it isn't always from a bad motive, there are all sorts of reasons for it.

If I asked you what you think about America, I am asking as a wife of an American, the mum of an American, and as an in-law to a family of Americans. That means that when I am asking that question, what I am really wanting to know is if you will judge my family or if you have assumptions about America that will negatively impact the people I love.

All it takes for me in that moment, when asking the question about America, is for me to name what is behind my question. It is one small intentional sharing but it is important because that honesty creates connection rather than potential conflict.

I recognise that not all people or spaces feel safe to share that honesty — that is important to acknowledge. But in that, understand for yourself that by 'risk assessing' in that way, connection is not built. When you are ready to do that and feel safe to do that, you will know what to do.

In the same way, when we ask questions, they aren't 'just questions'. When I ask people the 'why', I can see that they panic, they automatically try to keep our connection in the moment by actually creating a white lie. And I get it, they don't want to hurt me or they don't want to cause conflict. So an alternative ending is given but the assumptions, the underlying beliefs are never talked about. So what is actually created is not connection, it is distance.

I have been in work situations where I can feel the dishonesty within a team. It is almost as if everyone has subconsciously agreed that we are going to be superficial and service level. Whilst this doesn't directly seem to be dishonesty, it is because it robs everybody of true connection. It is the perfect breeding ground for pretense, two-faced relationships, back chat and settling. We are modelling a way of connecting with one another that is acceptable and expected within our team.

I am not just writing this from my comfortable writer's chair telling you all what to do - I have done this in work situations, both successfully and badly! In one particular work context, I could feel all of the 'unsaid', I could hear the back-chatting and the work was struggling because of it. I had not one, but two separate conversations with two different people and it was not easy. One of them was spontaneous, fuelled by mama-bear passion trying to protect the person I line-managed. The other was thought-through, practised in my head and was accompanied by bullet point notes. They were both uncomfortable and they both cost me a lot but the workplace was better for it. Conflict and avoidance was able to be turned into connection.

In all honesty, the clear and kind way of interacting means we have to start getting comfortable with being uncomfortable - for the sake of our relationships. Comfort is not always a good thing for us.

You may be thinking now about a friendship or relationship where you know you are not being fully honest. My encouragement to you is to consider why you are creating distance with that person. It genuinely may be because you don't know whether your friendship can take it and I would want to push back and ask you to reflect on whose intentions you have at the centre.

Want more for your friendships, for your work relationships, for your family - you do not need to settle for 'playing a game', there is more available to you and for others. Being clear can be kind when you have the other person's best intentions at heart, when you want them to know they are seen and understood. Being clear also means that you are honest with yourself, you are able to reflect on the good, the bad and the ugly in the way that you see others and show up in the world.

Creating a culture where honest, kind conversations can thrive doesn't happen by accident. If you want help building that in your team or organisation, contact Canary & Cat.