Come as you are, Leave like us

I wonder how many places you have been to that have used the slogan, 'Come as you are'? I saw it just this week at a cafe - it was on one of their sale t-shirts! I have even seen the phrase on church websites.

It made me start thinking about what that phrase actually means. I understand what people are saying, they are wanting people to feel like they can be themselves when they come to the place. But what is interesting is, when you join a team, a community, a friendship group, a church, what ends up happening is that people end up speaking and acting the same.

People come as they are and they end up assimilating or unconsciously changing the more time they spend there or with each other.

I know that I do it. I have been in America these last few weeks and my accent changes - I chameleon myself so that I become less of a target. It feels safer for me if I don't stand out. I already look different in most spaces I have found myself and I don't want my voice to make me stand out even more. It is a survival tactic.

So what can we do in spaces to make sure people remain themselves? I had a few thoughts….

Celebrate differences and uniqueness rather than rewarding likeness. This can be really subtle and can impact a culture. It feels easier to have a conversation with someone who agrees with you and who you can relate to because you have the same social circles. But if we are trying to create spaces where people can be themselves, what needs to happen is people need to learn and be encouraged to be curious about those who are different to us. I say learn because I know that it doesn't come easily - it takes less energy to talk to someone whose life is like mine than it does to talk to someone whose current life situation is very different to mine. It requires genuine curiosity.

We are all different and we will see the world differently, experience the world differently. So often we want uniformity, again for ease, but I believe there is beauty in the diversity there is. I find it difficult to remember an experience where I have seen difference truly celebrated, because what can often happen is it becomes tokenism for optics sake. But I have seen it - a colleague praised what another colleague did and intentionally highlighted the differences they brought to the task, that they would never have done themselves or been able to bring themselves.

Increase the safety in spaces. One of the main reasons why people assimilate is to feel safe - it genuinely feels unsafe to be themselves. How can our places of work, worship and play be safe spaces? People need to see that when there is difference of opinion, challenge brought to people or varying perspectives, that people are not silenced, not publicly shamed or squashed. Those of us who feel unsafe in some spaces, we are attuned to safety and it is really easy to spot unsafe people and places. Genuine care for everyone to feel like they can be seen and heard without fear of shame, humiliation or mockery - that is what increases safety.

In a work context, this can look like encouragement of feedback, reflection and external governance. It is scary to have someone on the outside looking in and assessing you as an individual and a team. I remember when I was training as a speech and language therapist, we had to record ourselves talking with a client and then have others watch it back and give us feedback about our communication. It was horrific! It was uncomfortable and sometimes pretty brutal, but it gave me information that I would never have received otherwise. I would not have known how I come across nor been able to change my body language to make others feel comfortable. Processes like this show that the reputation of an individual or company is not more important than the safety of a space.

Words matter. It can be so easy to slip into 'us' and 'them' language, especially when a team is close-knit and work well together. I have experienced many moments, particularly in church contexts, where someone with authority has stood in front of a congregation and spoken about 'people who struggle with X or Y... those outside of the church' - clearly stating that if you belong to this community, there is a way to behave and a commonality in how we all experience the world. When you hear about'those other people' in situations like that, you automatically feel like you do not belong and you are being told that 'people like you' are not who this church community represents. Using the word 'we' instead of 'people' can be a small shift that creates a significant change in who relates to what you are saying.

Becoming mirrors to each other may seem like a lovely metaphor but it is an image of losing ourselves. The belief is that it is not safe to be seen and that everyone will be happier if they see someone like themselves. The cost is high because once you start mirroring, you can gain a false sense of belonging - you feel like you are part of the group and yet, at what point can you be yourself? Never! Because you have never been able to be you, you risk losing that belonging by lowering the mirror. What if you aren't welcome? What if people are disappointed? What will it do to your friendships?

Speaking from experience, it is terrifying to show yourself in a place that hasn't really seen you. But it is exhausting not being you, second guessing yourself. Don't waste your life away trying to be someone else. No-one can bring to the world what you can and if the places you are in cannot cope with you being you, go find other places.

Come as you are and learn from others. Not to become them but to become someone who can encourage others to come as they are, to model what a safe place looks like where they don't need to be you.

Canary & Cat exists to be the eyes and ears that help you understand what people are really experiencing in your team and culture. Get in touch if you'd like to know more.