Too Ashamed to Say It But Too Fired Up to Stay Quiet

I am always ashamed to say out loud that I have experienced trauma because of church.

I don’t know why. I said it yesterday with some wonderful colleagues (you know who you are if you are reading this!) and I was planning on saying it, but as soon as I did, I was overcome with shame.

Church is a good place, so you must have been bad

Everyone else manages to go every Sunday, so suck it up and go

You are a Christian, be like Jesus - forgive and forget

You are ruining your relationship with God

Those are the things that I hear in my head. They aren’t just one person’s voice. I think they are a combination of lots of people’s expectations, actual words and church environments I have been in.

How is it that I can share something that is real and happened to me - I have experienced trauma from Christians at church - and all these beliefs come pouring out of me?!

Is it because the wounds of this type of abuse are not physical? I have no bruises, no cuts and no scars that can be seen on me.

Is it because to name the pain, it would mean saying that people connected with God have done wrong? This means that church could potentially be an unsafe and untrustworthy place. Perhaps that feels too risky to say.

Is it because I think I won’t be believed? I can see others existing and belonging in spaces that have been unbearable for me to be in. Therefore I deduce that I am at fault.

Whatever the reason or reasons, they are incorrect. I cannot ignore the scars — open wounds, healing bruises on my soul and on my mind. I know that God is good and perfect and people make mistakes and treat people horrifically, even those who are Christian leaders. I can recognise that where there is beauty within an environment, a team, a church, there can also exist so much pain and evil.

So yes, I can feel vulnerable and afraid to share that I have experienced trauma that means I cannot walk into a church building without feeling afraid, but I shouldn’t feel ashamed.

I want to be seen as strong and not weak, courageous and not hurt.

I was embarrassed to acknowledge or say out loud that I had been hurt significantly by church spaces because I felt like it would discredit me and my work as Canary and Cat. But what it gifts me with is the ability to know how to help people intentionally create safer spaces. It gifts me with the opportunity to share the lived experience of trauma. It gifts me with the language to be able to speak to those who have also been hurt. It is a gift that was born out of pain and that is definitely worth sharing.

“I asked God why he led me through so much darkness. 

He answered, ‘It’s so you know the way out when I send you in for someone else’.” [Mia Adams]

And that is what I can do. I won’t ignore what happened to me, I do not need to prove myself to anyone, I can feel it all, keep on going and help others to see the way out.

I will help you discover how people may feel in your spaces, events, teams and services.

Creating safe spaces starts with understanding what unsafe feels like. If you want help making your church or organisation a safer place, contact Canary & Cat.