I met the King and became a Pawn

I never planned to write about this. I haven’t shared this with many people either.

I worked for a church that had a visit from the King a couple of years ago. There was a lot of excitement and it was seen as such a privilege. If I am honest, I was nervous and not that excited. I have met royalty before and at the end of the day for me, a person is just a person.

I was due to be the person to represent the baby and toddler group I was running and I had been able to invite one of the attendees to meet the King too.

The night before, I had a conversation with my husband - the thing that no-one saw or knew about. I knew that being a Black woman who was interacting with the King would make a ‘good picture’. As a result, I chose to not have my daughter with me when I met him. Everyone said that I should - ‘what a great experience it would be for her’. I began questioning myself but we had both agreed she would not be there.

The day arrived and the room I was in was filled with excitement, anticipation and nerves. The King arrived and he was followed by a group of photographers like a swarm of bees.

It was my turn - the photographers quickly asked me whether I was ok to have my photo taken, I obediently said ‘yes’ and when the King was introduced to me, the ‘snapping’ begun. It was noisy and I tried to ignore them. The King didn’t talk to me but I introduced him to the person I had invited and they talked. It was over in less than 20 seconds.

He was there and then he was gone.

Less than 1 hour after the event, my face was on a news article online next to a photo of Megan and Harry. It was the day that their documentary came out - I knew it was coming. My brown face next to his face. I called it the night before and it happened.

I wasn’t naive, I wasn’t overreacting - I know what it means to have this face and the ways in which it is used to other people’s advantages. Everyone else was blissfully unaware, jokes were made about my photo being online and I was praised for having a great smile. One Black friend came up to me and said ‘I am sorry’ - no explanation needed, no context given - she got it herself.

Why am I talking about this now? I am not against the Royal Family nor for churches and charities to have great experiences. I am against the way that I was used - my face was literally used to promote an agenda. This isn’t new and it isn’t unique. But to some of you reading this, it may be a surprise for you to hear, especially those of you that know me. I don’t often talk about the colour of my skin or what racism I experience, because it feels too exposing and like the situation is too overwhelming. Plus I am mixed-race and I know that others’ experiences are much greater than mine and need to be heard.

So this is me sharing. I know the game that is being played and I am not a pawn, I am a freakin’ Black Queen and I will not be playing the game!

For those of you reading who have also been a pawn, I am so sorry and want you to know that (sadly) you are not alone and I hope my writing is helpful. Message me if you want to chat more.

For those of you who have never thought about this before, consider ‘the game’ and who you are in it. It is being played whether you can see it or not and I would love to challenge you to start noticing for the sake of others.

If you are in a position of shaping a culture in a church or charity, please know that there are ways of working that silences, undermines and devalues Black people. It is your duty to start seeing and not just seeing, but doing. Not the bare minimum, tokenistic-type decisions but changes that ensure that 'the game' is not even played in your team or workplace. Canary & Cat is here if you would appreciate some help.

Checkmate.

Jess

Meats for Particular People

I went to this butchers last week and as I sat outside, the sign made me laugh! Either the meat is particular or the people are — either way, such an interesting statement to make!

Language matters. The words we say and the way that we say them. Now you are reading this and because it is just written form, I have to work out how to communicate sarcasm without a slight smirk or excitement without wide eyes.

With the increase of sophistication we now find in AI technology, we can make our written and spoken words communicate more than what we could before. But AI cannot be you in the places you are in. AI cannot be me in a team meeting when I am randomly asked my opinion. There is still a responsibility for our own behaviour. We are responsible for our own words, either written or spoken. We are responsible for our facial expressions, our body language and our tone.

That may feel really weighty and a lot of effort.

But whether we are thinking about it or not, our language impacts others.

We are all existing, side-by-side, with invisible pain and joy. Different ways of seeing and being in the world that we find ourselves in.

A safe place for you may be an untrustworthy place to me. A way of communicating that seems efficient to me may cause you anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong here, it isn’t like we can spend our whole day shape shifting for others and changing our own personality. It is a kindness. A kindness to consider another and to be curious about how they are responding or what they may be feeling.

So consider one person that you could be curious about wherever you are — your sibling at home, your colleague on Teams, your friend via WhatsApp.

One particular person.

Jess

Love Shouldn’t Hurt

How do you feel seeing this top? Did you agree with it straight away? Did it feel uncomfortable to read it?

Instead of ignoring it or pushing it down, let’s be curious. Notice where your concern, anxiety or frustration is coming from. It is important to recognise why this phrase makes you feel the way you do.

As Christians, we are told to sacrifice with Jesus as our example and he was in so much pain at Easter. Sacrifice does equal pain, that is the point of the word. But what if our focus is on the wrong thing? If we are told to sacrifice ourselves like Christ did, then there must be life in there that we wouldn’t get otherwise. Where we see pain, hurt and disappointment, what if what God was offering was life, love and closeness to God?

Of course we will feel something negative because we are considering another person and we are, by definition, giving something up — but what if that was the point of it all?

Healthy sacrificial love is unusual to us. I am not convinced that we have an example of it — aside from Jesus — and that example is the most extreme of them all! Healthy sacrificial love everyday is rooted in care for another and brings out the best in you and the other. I believe it does not require you as you to disappear or to silence your own discernment, opinion or God-given personality.

I do know that we all have examples of when pain has been mislabelled as love. It causes shame, silencing, being made small and the creation of unhealthy boundaries and expectations.

This isn’t all of the story when it comes to sacrifice, but it is the start.

I do want to challenge us to look at those relationships we are in and consider:

Am I being made small by this person?

What am I being asked to give up in this relationship?

Is this ‘loving relationship’ creating and sharing life in me and the other person?

This relates to friendships, romantic relationships, work relationships and families too - let’s not limit its impact.

If the answers to these questions are not what you expected, if they are making you question the type of love that is in a relationship, be kind to yourself. Speak to a friend, ask God or write down your thoughts.

Love shouldn’t hurt. Love should bring life and perhaps life that you did not expect.

N.B.. If you or someone you know needs support, reach out to a charity such as UK Refuge https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/

Curiosity Did Not Kill the Cat. It Made It a Lion.

I notice everything.

I always have. The person who is uncomfortable. The unsaid things behind the looks in a room. The ‘power dance’ that happens when a group of people interact. The courage it takes for that one person to share their idea in a meeting.

For a long time, in certain environments, this noticing felt like a problem. I was too much. Too observant. Too unwilling to just let things go. Too aware.

But then one day, literally out of the blue, I realised something. I wasn’t the problem. I was in environments that needed me to be smaller than I was. So I had a choice - shrink and disappear or find somewhere to put all that noticing to good use.

I chose the second one.

Curiosity was what had made me a threat to others. But it was also what was giving me life. It felt like a treasure that deserved an adventure.

Curiosity feels dangerous. Certainty is predictable. It grounds us and (allegedly) keeps us safe. Curiosity feels like a risk.

But what if that’s exactly what it’s supposed to feel like?

I’ve come to believe that curiosity is one of the most valuable and powerful ways of existing in the world that can positively impact our leadership, our culture, our community and even our churches. It’s what makes us look up and around. It is what makes us see people.

This is a space where I’ll be thinking out loud about all of that. Culture. Leadership. Church.

I won’t always have answers, but I will always have questions.

Come join me on the adventure!