Your Body Matters

There is this interesting part of human communication when no matter what you are saying - how articulate you are, the words you choose - the other person will ‘read’ your non-verbal communication as a default.

My first degree when I was a fresh-faced 18 year old was Speech and Language Therapy. I learnt how we make the words with our tongue, teeth, palate and vocal cords, but our body language is important too!

I was listening to a podcast episode (I was walking and thought it was not safe to watch the video!!) called “Why Good People in the Church Look Away: Abuse, Power and Protecting the Mission” and the thing that really struck me was a conversation around incarnation. They discussed how it matters where you are physically living out your life. If you are a Christian, you may be familiar with the word ‘incarnation’ because it is the word used to describe Jesus coming to Earth as a human baby. Sometimes knowing a word already doesn’t really help us understand how it relates to us.

There is a difference between what we say and what we live out. It matters where our bodies are. If we say that it is important to take care of the world and we choose to drive instead of walk somewhere, that is our spoken values not being represented in the way we live.

But it isn’t just about where our bodies physically are because we can be physically present in a space and yet stay silent. Silence communicates loudly.

We all have values in our head - the things that really matter to us or if you are a Christian, the things that you believe God has given you to care about. These values often stay in our mind and do help us make decisions, but it matters that these values move from our minds to our bodies. These values need to affect how you show up in the world, otherwise, what you will experience is a mismatch and that can often take its toll on you emotionally and physically without you consciously noticing.

My challenge to you (and myself) is to start noticing and being curious about our values. Are our values taking us physically to the rooms that reflect them, with the people that need to hear or benefit from our values? What is stopping us from speaking out our values in the spaces where we physically find ourselves?

Thinking about these things may cause us to question our decisions, our work, our time with others and our thoughts.

Chat with someone about it - a friend, a partner, God. But again, make sure your body is moving, your body matters.

Choose to move yourself to a space, a place or a person today that confirms the values you have. This will help you recognise what incarnation feels like for you.

Jess

Mind the Gap

Have we all recovered from my blog post last week?! I am not about to shame a whole group of people about whether they reached out to me or not after reading my blog post but I am going to invite you to reflect on it with me.

That blog post was my most read blog post so far (I have only been doing this writing & sharing malarkey for a week). I could see that people were reading it and for that, I am grateful. My reason for writing blogs is to help me process some of life and to share it with you in case it helps you or makes you stop and think.

But it felt like I had put a piece of my heart on a plinth, on an easel and could see you walking past it, looking at it, scrutinising it and then moving on. But it was silent. I had no idea what you were saying about it nor how it made you feel.

And yet that is the point of an art gallery or a museum - the artist or creator never gets to know what people think. It sounds like a really distant way of engaging with people and yet it feels significantly personal with no connection.

I am still wrestling with that. I would rather talk to each of you individually, hear what you are feeling, know what you are thinking but I can’t. This is what I have right now and for right now, this is OK.

But it doesn’t feel OK. Because it is a piece of my heart on that easel and where the metaphor falls down is it isn’t just a solitary piece, it is still connected and it hurts. Silence is the gap and the silence causes me shame.

And so the gap will be there. For me, the gap is filled with shame - not of my own choosing but shame festers in there, uninvited and seemingly immovable. But I need to be mindful of the gap. What could I fill it with instead? I have choice and yet, shame paralyses me - makes me want to hide and quieten my voice. No more writing.

And yet, writing is my lifeline and it means that I can show up, when I haven’t been able to show up in spaces before. I have agency in how my voice is heard and how my heart is seen.

But I promised myself I would keep moving, so I draw on what I know keeps me alive - curiosity. I hold my thoughts of you lightly. I consider you as someone in that gallery who has showed up and looked. You have read my blog, you have seen the piece of my heart and I am still here. Still showing up, still writing… see it, say it, sorted… or at least still curious.

Jess

What do you mean?

I felt it today, a moment when I actively had to choose to be curious. It was a struggle and being aware of it allowed me to see what was really going on.

I was getting frustrated whilst talking that the other person wasn’t understanding what I was saying. I could feel the frustration in my body, the annoyance creeping into my voice and the way I was standing.

But then I checked myself. I was reminded of the blog post I put up only a week ago about being curious. (How frustrating!)

The choice was easy (but not obvious). I could use my clever phrases, tone of voice and even my body language to boldly claim and state what I was saying. Instead, I paused, took a breath and asked the question - what do you mean?

It struck me that by not fighting my point, I felt like I had given up my confidence. I gave the person the chance to share but it was a risk because what if the other person was still wrong?! Being curious causes us to lay down our ego and power and to allow the other person to speak.

Being curious felt like I was being vulnerable. I didn’t feel like I was in-charge, I couldn’t have control of the conversation because I had literally just handed control over to the other person!

I could see into the world of the person I was talking to. I was drawn into their world and I enjoyed it! The focus wasn’t on me and I felt like I was less stressed trying to hold everything together because I wasn’t holding anything at all. I forgot the point I had to prove and instead saw the other person.

OK.. the challenge is here.. you knew there would be one! We have all been in those moments, daily in fact, especially if you have a partner or a child!!

My challenge to you today is to stop, take a breath and pause when you are in that moment when you are ready to fight and prove your point. It will hurt, it will not be as satisfying (initially) as you would want but it will be worth it! It will give the other person value, it will allow them to have their voice heard (which if they are a child will be so honouring) and it will mean you can have a little mental rest too!!

Do you accept the challenge?! Ask the question… what do you mean? Or tell me more? Or I don’t really understand, can you help me?!

Let me know how it goes in the comments below… go on… I am nosey, I want to know!!

I met the King and became a Pawn

I never planned to write about this. I haven’t shared this with many people either.

I worked for a church that had a visit from the King a couple of years ago. There was a lot of excitement and it was seen as such a privilege. If I am honest, I was nervous and not that excited. I have met royalty before and at the end of the day for me, a person is just a person.

I was due to be the person to represent the baby and toddler group I was running and I had been able to invite one of the attendees to meet the King too.

The night before, I had a conversation with my husband - the thing that no-one saw or knew about. I knew that being a Black woman who was interacting with the King would make a ‘good picture’. As a result, I chose to not have my daughter with me when I met him. Everyone said that I should - ‘what a great experience it would be for her’. I began questioning myself but we had both agreed she would not be there.

The day arrived and the room I was in was filled with excitement, anticipation and nerves. The King arrived and he was followed by a group of photographers like a swarm of bees.

It was my turn - the photographers quickly asked me whether I was ok to have my photo taken, I obediently said ‘yes’ and when the King was introduced to me, the ‘snapping’ begun. It was noisy and I tried to ignore them. The King didn’t talk to me but I introduced him to the person I had invited and they talked. It was over in less than 20 seconds.

He was there and then he was gone.

Less than 1 hour after the event, my face was on a news article online next to a photo of Megan and Harry. It was the day that their documentary came out - I knew it was coming. My brown face next to his face. I called it the night before and it happened.

I wasn’t naive, I wasn’t overreacting - I know what it means to have this face and the ways in which it is used to other people’s advantages. Everyone else was blissfully unaware, jokes were made about my photo being online and I was praised for having a great smile. One Black friend came up to me and said ‘I am sorry’ - no explanation needed, no context given - she got it herself.

Why am I talking about this now? I am not against the Royal Family nor for churches and charities to have great experiences. I am against the way that I was used - my face was literally used to promote an agenda. This isn’t new and it isn’t unique. But to some of you reading this, it may be a surprise for you to hear, especially those of you that know me. I don’t often talk about the colour of my skin or what racism I experience, because it feels too exposing and like the situation is too overwhelming. Plus I am mixed-race and I know that others’ experiences are much greater than mine and need to be heard.

So this is me sharing. I know the game that is being played and I am not a pawn, I am a freakin’ Black Queen and I will not be playing the game!

For those of you reading who have also been a pawn, I am so sorry and want you to know that (sadly) you are not alone and I hope my writing is helpful. Message me if you want to chat more.

For those of you who have never thought about this before, consider ‘the game’ and who you are in it. It is being played whether you can see it or not and I would love to challenge you to start noticing for the sake of others.

If you are in a position of shaping a culture in a church or charity, please know that there are ways of working that silences, undermines and devalues Black people. It is your duty to start seeing and not just seeing, but doing. Not the bare minimum, tokenistic-type decisions but changes that ensure that 'the game' is not even played in your team or workplace. Canary & Cat is here if you would appreciate some help.

Checkmate.

Jess

Meats for Particular People

I went to this butchers last week and as I sat outside, the sign made me laugh! Either the meat is particular or the people are — either way, such an interesting statement to make!

Language matters. The words we say and the way that we say them. Now you are reading this and because it is just written form, I have to work out how to communicate sarcasm without a slight smirk or excitement without wide eyes.

With the increase of sophistication we now find in AI technology, we can make our written and spoken words communicate more than what we could before. But AI cannot be you in the places you are in. AI cannot be me in a team meeting when I am randomly asked my opinion. There is still a responsibility for our own behaviour. We are responsible for our own words, either written or spoken. We are responsible for our facial expressions, our body language and our tone.

That may feel really weighty and a lot of effort.

But whether we are thinking about it or not, our language impacts others.

We are all existing, side-by-side, with invisible pain and joy. Different ways of seeing and being in the world that we find ourselves in.

A safe place for you may be an untrustworthy place to me. A way of communicating that seems efficient to me may cause you anxiety.

Don’t get me wrong here, it isn’t like we can spend our whole day shape shifting for others and changing our own personality. It is a kindness. A kindness to consider another and to be curious about how they are responding or what they may be feeling.

So consider one person that you could be curious about wherever you are — your sibling at home, your colleague on Teams, your friend via WhatsApp.

One particular person.

Jess