What My Body Knew

As I walked out, I felt like I had pieces of myself ripped away - like a ‘tear off’ section of a form - I was leaving but not with all of me. But as I walked, I realised that this was not actually the case.

I am still here because I was never on show. The ‘me’ that was there was just the one that I gave each person - changing my body language, shifting the tone of my voice, concentrating on asking a helpful question.

But it still hurts. My body feels the cost of that still.

And yet, this is all I know. This is a well-oiled and well-practised form of being in the world that I learnt potentially before I could recognise what I was doing. The warning signal that this was not something that a human should do was when my body warned me. It has happened a number of times in my life and I never understood why but the last time my body warned me, I listened and boy was I surprised.

My body could no longer carry on with my brain not knowing what was going on. My brain was merrily unaware of the performance that it was subconsciously directing and the parts of the body that were forced into this acting for nearly 4 decades. It was as if a strike was happening in the very cells of my body so that my brain would listen. I was in physical pain and felt like I was lost.

But I stopped and listened. It didn’t all make sense when I did, but curiosity became my friend. I didn’t need to understand. I just needed to be aware.

I found that I had hidden myself at the cost of others feeling comfortable or for me to feel safe. What a strange thing to find out about yourself - that you had been disappearing and nobody had noticed. Including you.

I felt alone when I realised I was alone in this. This wasn’t a communal experience, I didn’t actually belong because the ‘me’ that is out in the world wasn’t even the real me.

Maybe you recognise something in this. Maybe you don’t. But I suspect more people do than would ever say so out loud.

And who is the real me? I am still getting to know her. She has always been there and survival has been her main goal. So now I am teaching her that she is safe, I see her now and she does not need to hide herself.

The world wants to see her.

The world needs to see her.

Good News for Some

I am studying right now - a Masters in Theology and Transformative Practice - it is exciting because it informs what we do. In my last lecture with Professor Robert Beckford, I learnt about the ‘Slave Bible’ - the Bible that was given to Black slaves. A concern of the Christian slave owners was that if they converted their slaves, they would then need to be free. So what did they do? They handed them a Bible that was not the full story. Parts of the Bible that speak of freedom, challenge and liberation were removed. It shook something in me, that those that have the power to edit the Good News drastically impact what we learn about the Gospel.

My immediate reaction was shock. Visually, the different Bibles looked the same. It was made to look the same so that people wouldn’t question. It made me sick, it made me angry and it made me suspicious as to how this exists today. I recognised that this is not just something in the past but it is something that is present now - in fact, it may even be more subtle. There is no physical evidence that we can point to when we look at the culture, language or lived out theology in a church.

The churches that I have sat in all have a slight bias based on what they consider to be of importance in their reflection of church. I have seen focus on revival, on mission and on sung worship - each makes sense within the context but it is only part of the Gospel.

The scary truth is that if you are listening to the sermon or singing the worship songs or praying the prayers, you may not know that you are being told a limited Gospel. You are forming an image and understanding of God that you don’t even know is not full.

If all you are told is that the Good News is good to those who look a certain way or have a certain way of being in the world, then it is only good news if you are like those people.

The theme that I am noticing is that those in pain, those in bondage, are not represented in the Good News. They are not given space within church. Yet stories of people in the Bible, such as Hagar, are present and convey who God is. Hagar is a woman written about in the Old Testament who is often talked about as the person who willingly sleeps with Abraham to give him the child his wife can’t give him. But the reality is that she was owned by Abraham and forced to sleep with him. She had no choice and no agency and she runs away. Yet God finds her. This tells us that God is there with those who are abused, violated and used by those with power. God says that he sees her.

I personally find Christmas really hard - lots of memories and circumstances that mean I am often filled with dread rather than joy. Numerous times, I have tried to create a service at church for those who may feel the same. I want them to know the truth of the Gospel, that Jesus came for those in pain and that ‘Emmanuel, God with us’ includes those living in the darkest night of their soul. Whenever I have proposed it, I have been confronted by people who could not recognise the need for that understanding of the Gospel. To them, Christmas equals joy and happiness, not despair and pain. So it was not added to the service list nor the Christmas flyer. This decision communicates that there is a way to behave at Christmas, there is an expectation of what the Gospel in real life means and what it requires of those who consider themselves to be Christians - Put that smile on your face because your pain is not welcome here.

I am not ok with that message being told - whether directly or indirectly, whether noticed or unnoticed. The reason why I struggle with it at my very core is because we are limiting God to what we want him to be. We want to make God fit with the message we want to tell about what being a Christian in our church community looks like. And that is the same as Christian slave owners limiting the Gospel so that their experience of life is able to stay the same.

Jesus himself, the walking-round-human-version of God, did not limit himself to be with the people of power but he was found with those in pain and those who were stuck and lost. This Gospel does not ignore pain nor injustice but walks right up to it, talks to it and shakes the foundations on which it is built.

If you are a part of church ministry, I would encourage you to look at the sermon series you have chosen in the last year, the emphasis of your content at prayer gatherings and group meetings. I don’t know if you know the potential damage you are creating in the choices that you make. There exists an indirectly spoken narrative that can begin to form that communicates that the Gospel is only relevant to some people who are living a certain way. If you do not know about another lifestyle or circumstance that is different to your own, talk to people and be curious about what Good News looks like to them. Not having lived it is not a good enough excuse. The Gospel is big enough to hold everyone and it is when our restrictions and our limitations are present that we reduce it. Perhaps the part of the Gospel that includes the stranger, your complete opposite, is the part that will bring you liberation or even liberation to all.

Take a closer look.

For us that listen and watch the Gospel being taught or shared - be aware, be curious about what you are hearing. God gave you a brain and God speaks to you. It is good for you to question and analyse what is being said on a Sunday or on social media. It isn’t sinful and it isn’t you losing your faith, it is God being revealed to you.

The Good News should be, and is, Good News for everyone.

Your Body Matters

There is this interesting part of human communication when no matter what you are saying - how articulate you are, the words you choose - the other person will ‘read’ your non-verbal communication as a default.

My first degree when I was a fresh-faced 18 year old was Speech and Language Therapy. I learnt how we make the words with our tongue, teeth, palate and vocal cords, but our body language is important too!

I was listening to a podcast episode (I was walking and thought it was not safe to watch the video!!) called “Why Good People in the Church Look Away: Abuse, Power and Protecting the Mission” and the thing that really struck me was a conversation around incarnation. They discussed how it matters where you are physically living out your life. If you are a Christian, you may be familiar with the word ‘incarnation’ because it is the word used to describe Jesus coming to Earth as a human baby. Sometimes knowing a word already doesn’t really help us understand how it relates to us.

There is a difference between what we say and what we live out. It matters where our bodies are. If we say that it is important to take care of the world and we choose to drive instead of walk somewhere, that is our spoken values not being represented in the way we live.

But it isn’t just about where our bodies physically are because we can be physically present in a space and yet stay silent. Silence communicates loudly.

We all have values in our head - the things that really matter to us or if you are a Christian, the things that you believe God has given you to care about. These values often stay in our mind and do help us make decisions, but it matters that these values move from our minds to our bodies. These values need to affect how you show up in the world, otherwise, what you will experience is a mismatch and that can often take its toll on you emotionally and physically without you consciously noticing.

My challenge to you (and myself) is to start noticing and being curious about our values. Are our values taking us physically to the rooms that reflect them, with the people that need to hear or benefit from our values? What is stopping us from speaking out our values in the spaces where we physically find ourselves?

Thinking about these things may cause us to question our decisions, our work, our time with others and our thoughts.

Chat with someone about it - a friend, a partner, God. But again, make sure your body is moving, your body matters.

Choose to move yourself to a space, a place or a person today that confirms the values you have. This will help you recognise what incarnation feels like for you.

Jess

Mind the Gap

Have we all recovered from my blog post last week?! I am not about to shame a whole group of people about whether they reached out to me or not after reading my blog post but I am going to invite you to reflect on it with me.

That blog post was my most read blog post so far (I have only been doing this writing & sharing malarkey for a week). I could see that people were reading it and for that, I am grateful. My reason for writing blogs is to help me process some of life and to share it with you in case it helps you or makes you stop and think.

But it felt like I had put a piece of my heart on a plinth, on an easel and could see you walking past it, looking at it, scrutinising it and then moving on. But it was silent. I had no idea what you were saying about it nor how it made you feel.

And yet that is the point of an art gallery or a museum - the artist or creator never gets to know what people think. It sounds like a really distant way of engaging with people and yet it feels significantly personal with no connection.

I am still wrestling with that. I would rather talk to each of you individually, hear what you are feeling, know what you are thinking but I can’t. This is what I have right now and for right now, this is OK.

But it doesn’t feel OK. Because it is a piece of my heart on that easel and where the metaphor falls down is it isn’t just a solitary piece, it is still connected and it hurts. Silence is the gap and the silence causes me shame.

And so the gap will be there. For me, the gap is filled with shame - not of my own choosing but shame festers in there, uninvited and seemingly immovable. But I need to be mindful of the gap. What could I fill it with instead? I have choice and yet, shame paralyses me - makes me want to hide and quieten my voice. No more writing.

And yet, writing is my lifeline and it means that I can show up, when I haven’t been able to show up in spaces before. I have agency in how my voice is heard and how my heart is seen.

But I promised myself I would keep moving, so I draw on what I know keeps me alive - curiosity. I hold my thoughts of you lightly. I consider you as someone in that gallery who has showed up and looked. You have read my blog, you have seen the piece of my heart and I am still here. Still showing up, still writing… see it, say it, sorted… or at least still curious.

Jess

What do you mean?

I felt it today, a moment when I actively had to choose to be curious. It was a struggle and being aware of it allowed me to see what was really going on.

I was getting frustrated whilst talking that the other person wasn’t understanding what I was saying. I could feel the frustration in my body, the annoyance creeping into my voice and the way I was standing.

But then I checked myself. I was reminded of the blog post I put up only a week ago about being curious. (How frustrating!)

The choice was easy (but not obvious). I could use my clever phrases, tone of voice and even my body language to boldly claim and state what I was saying. Instead, I paused, took a breath and asked the question - what do you mean?

It struck me that by not fighting my point, I felt like I had given up my confidence. I gave the person the chance to share but it was a risk because what if the other person was still wrong?! Being curious causes us to lay down our ego and power and to allow the other person to speak.

Being curious felt like I was being vulnerable. I didn’t feel like I was in-charge, I couldn’t have control of the conversation because I had literally just handed control over to the other person!

I could see into the world of the person I was talking to. I was drawn into their world and I enjoyed it! The focus wasn’t on me and I felt like I was less stressed trying to hold everything together because I wasn’t holding anything at all. I forgot the point I had to prove and instead saw the other person.

OK.. the challenge is here.. you knew there would be one! We have all been in those moments, daily in fact, especially if you have a partner or a child!!

My challenge to you today is to stop, take a breath and pause when you are in that moment when you are ready to fight and prove your point. It will hurt, it will not be as satisfying (initially) as you would want but it will be worth it! It will give the other person value, it will allow them to have their voice heard (which if they are a child will be so honouring) and it will mean you can have a little mental rest too!!

Do you accept the challenge?! Ask the question… what do you mean? Or tell me more? Or I don’t really understand, can you help me?!

Let me know how it goes in the comments below… go on… I am nosey, I want to know!!